Criminal Aliens
by IISassyAlienII
Summary: When Roger starts to feel down, he goes looking for a high and accidentally finds it in testing his luck with the CIA. Now that the CIA is closer than ever to finding him, they call in a "professional" alien hunter, a young woman named Ally that Roger recently met at a bar, to finally catch him. Meanwhile, Klaus and Steve find themselves obsessed with television crime shows.
1. Chapter 1

Roger woke up one morning the song "Waterfalls" by TLC as his alarm. Normally, he'd be singing along to it, but he wasn't quite up for it today. He yawned, turned off his alarm, got up, and drowsily made his bed.

"Good morning!" Francine greeted Roger cheerfully when he got downstairs. It was just her and Hayley at the table eating breakfast and Klaus was in his bowl on the counter. Stan had already left for work and Steve had left for school.

"Good morning," he said unenthusiastically as he sat down in front of the plate set for him. He immediately started eating his breakfast.

"Roger, what's wrong?" Francine asked concerned, "You haven't been acting like yourself lately."

Roger shrugged, "There's just... not much to do."

"What do you mean there's not much to do?" Hayley asked, "You're always doing something new with different personas."

Roger shrugged again, "Eh. There's just no... thrill to it."

"Don't you do drugs?" Klaus asked.

"Oh yeah, Klaus, like that helps." Roger said, "...it helps a little."

"Why don't you go out to a bar or something tonight?" Francine asked, "Meet some people, make some friends. You can take my car if you need to go somewhere."

"I guess it couldn't hurt," Roger said, continuing to eat.

"I could come with you, Roger," Hayley offered, "I'm still waiting for Jeff to return, but it couldn't hurt to see what's out there."

"No, Hayley, remember the last time we went to a bar together?" Roger asked. There was an awkward pause as if they were waiting for something. "What? Ain't nobody got time for cutaways," he said, breaking the awkward silence, "what are we? Family Guy?"

**Later That Afternoon**

Once everyone had finished breakfast, Klaus had gravitated to the television and had been watching it for the past 6 hours. He seemed quite invested in what he was watching and was hanging onto the edge of his bowl.

Steve walked in the front door with his backpack as he had just come home from school. "Hi-" he was about to say.

Klaus jumped frightened and let out a small shriek as his attention immediately turned to Steve. He breathed heavily, "Dude! You scared me half to death!"

"Um... hello to you, too?" Steve asked. "Why are you so jumpy?"

"It's this awesome show I started watching this morning. I've already finished the second season, come watch it with me." Klaus said.

"What is it?" Steve asked.

"It's called Criminal Minds and it's addicting." Klaus said.

"Oh, I've heard of that." Steve said, "But isn't every episode an hour?"

"Yeah," Klaus said.

"...Then how have you already watched two seasons if you only started this morning?"

"Shhhhh," Klaus shushed him as he stared at the television with wide eyes.

"Ok," Steve said, "I suppose I could watch just a couple episodes before I start my homework."

**8 O'clock That Night**

"Oh my God, I'm never doing my homework." Steve said, wide eyed on the edge of his seat as they were already halfway through the 3rd season.

**Meanwhile**

Roger walked into a local bar dressed in a casual outfit. He looked around, there weren't too many people there. He took a seat up at the bar and ordered a drink.

He looked to his right and noticed a young woman, probably about the age of twenty three, sitting two seats down. She wasn't exactly "fat" but she clearly wasn't in anyway thin. Despite her weight, she was kind of pretty and well kept. She had long, dark brown hair, and wore black.

"Hi, there," Roger said, trying to make small talk.

"Oh, hi," she said, a little hesitant, and surprised that anyone was trying to talk to her.

"Come here often?" Roger asked.

"Not really," she said, "I don't like to drink but sometimes I do just for the hell of it. How about you?"

"No," Roger said, "I have a bar of my own, maybe you've heard of it, Roger's Place?"

"Oh, yeah. Isn't that the bar in some family's attic?" She asked.

"Yeah," He said, "So, I didn't catch your name."

"Ally." She said, "And you?" Roger was about to answer her question but she spoke before him, "Oh, Roger. Probably, hence the name of your bar." She was clearly a little tipsy.

"Yes," He said. She turned to face him directly and he noticed something on her shoulder, "what's that?" he asked curiously.

"Oh, this?" She asked. It was a tattoo of an alien face in white ink with a circle around it and a dash through it in black ink. "A tattoo... of an alien."

"What's the significance?" Roger asked.

"Oh... you probably wouldn't believe me... people think I'm craaazzyy." She said, whispering the word 'crazy'.

"Why?" Roger asked.

"Do you want to know? Do you reaallly want to know?" She asked. She didn't wait for an answer, "I'm an alien hunter." She probably wouldn't be so willing to admit this if she wasn't drinking alcohol.

A stunned look of panic crossed Roger's face but Ally didn't seem to notice. "Really? Um, that's a bit odd, aliens don't really exist," he said, trying to draw attention away from himself.

"Oh, trust me, they're out there," She said, taking another sip of her drink.

He tried to change the subject, "so, if you don't drink often, what made you tonight?"

"My boyfriend and I broke up," she said, "I dumped him... well, that's what I'm telling people if they ask."

"Oh, well that sucks," was all that Roger could think of saying.

Roger continued to talk with Ally for awhile. He wanted to know more about her, so if it came down to it, he could outsmart her if she ever came after him. But besides that, she really seemed like a nice and fun - maybe slightly crazy in a 'good' way - person that he could see himself being friends with. For whatever reason, she seemed kind of familiar. He didn't know why, but for some reason, he felt like he knew her from somewhere.

They had probably been talking for about a half hour. Roger was nearly drunk off his ass but Ally stopped when she knew she had enough. They walked out together. When they stood up, Roger noticed that Ally had white tattoos of vines on her left leg from her foot up to her knee.

"Do you want me to call you a cab or something?" Ally asked Roger, noticing he was not ok to drive.

"I'm fine," Roger said.

"Are you sure?" Ally asked.

"Yes, I'm positive," Roger said, "how are you getting home?"

"I'm walking, I don't live far. I can easily call you a-" she began to say.

"No, it's ok." He said, getting into Francine's car that he drove there in, "It was nice meeting you, Ally. Maybe we could get together again sometime." He then drove off.

Ally watched him go, putting a hand to her forehead, afraid he was going to kill himself.

Roger was driving terribly and was swerving all over the road. He was lucky there was no one out. In order to get home, he had to drive past the CIA. And, just his luck, he swerved into the flagpole much like Stan does in the opening.

The airbag went off, "Oh no, oh no," he said, concerned he got a scrap somewhere on his body and took off his disguise to find out. He got out of the car, naked, to look at the damage to the car. "Oh, no, Francine is going to be mad."

He squinted his eyes when a bright spot light shined on him. He looked up, it was a helicopter. "It's the alien!" A voice from inside the helicopter said.

Roger tried to contain himself from freaking out. He turned and ran. Luckily, he could move really quickly. However, he didn't run as fast as he could, he slowed down a little bit, as if to give the helicopter a chance at catching up. He ran towards the woods, so the town's attention wouldn't be drawn to this little chase. When the helicopter fired the first missile, he avoided it easily.

It wasn't just the alcohol in his system, he actually felt 'alive' while running for his life, and he knew he could get away whenever he needed to. He finally found the "thrill" he had been looking for. He smiled as he kept running.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Steve woke up sick. He walked downstairs and grumbled.

"Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?" Francine asked.

"Mommy, I'm sick." He complained.

"Do you need to stay home from school today?" Francine asked.

"Weelllllll, I suppose I could..." Steve said, "I'll be on the couch." He walked into the other room and sat on the couch, grabbing the clicker.

"Aren't you going to school?" Klaus asked.

"Nope." Steve said, sounding a lot better.

"Pretending to be sick?" Klaus asked.

"Yep," Steve said, "We have to watch the next season of Criminal Minds! I'll go to school tomorrow."

"Ooh, someone's being deceitful." Klaus said, sounding very amused.

**Meanwhile**

Stan walked into work the next morning like any other day. He had noticed the crooked flag pole, but didn't bother to question it. He clearly didn't know where or what Roger was doing last night. He started to walk over to his desk when he was stopped by his boss.

"Smith!" Bullock said as he walked over to him.

"Yes, sir?" Stan asked.

"Remember that alien that escaped from Area 51 a couple years ago and then we found it again later?" Bullock asked.

Stan was on edge, "Umm... no, I mean, yes, I remember, but umm... maybe, sure why not, what about it?" He asked swiftly.

"It seems as though it has returned yet again." Bullock said.

"That's crazy. Are you sure it's not some sort of mistake?" Stan asked.

"No. Last night we found it lurking by the CIA. We tried to capture it, but it escaped. But this time, we'll catch it for sure. That's why I called in a professional alien hunter. Smith, meet Ally." Bullock said as Ally walked in.

"Nice to meet you." Ally greeted Stan in a friendly manner, reaching out to shake his hand.

"...I don't know, sir. She seems pretty young to me." Stan said to Bullock.

"Nonsense. Ally, how many aliens have you caught?" Bullock asked.

"Multiple." She responded.

"Works for me. And look at her anti-alien tattoo," Bullock noted, "why would she get that if she weren't serious about her job?"

Ally stood there looking proud of herself. She almost seemed like a dog to some extent, ready to do what she was told and fed off the praise. But still, she seemed independent as if she only worked for herself.

"Ok, but it still seems like a bit much to call in an alien hunter. I'm sure we can catch him- I mean, 'it' - this time." Stan said.

"I'm not willing to take that chance," Bullock said, then handed Ally a couple pictures of Roger, "Here, Ally, this is the alien you'll be hunting."

Upon looking at the pictures, Ally seemed a little shocked as if she had recognized Roger from somewhere, "Oh my God... it's him." She said quietly.

"What was that?" Bullock asked.

"Oh, nothing," Ally said.

"You know that alien?" Bullock repeated what he thought he heard.

"Oh- oh, I've dealt with this one before," she said quickly, "he's a slippery one, but I've been tracking him down for awhile now and I'm close to catching him. I'll have him for you in no time." It sounded almost as if she were lying.

Stan caught on to this and became suspicious. He narrowed his eyes.

**Later**

"Roger!" Stan yelled once he walked in the front door.

"Shh!" Steve hushed, "We're in the middle of learning about Emily Prentiss's backstory- I mean... oww, you're making my headache worse."

"What, Stan?" Roger asked as he walked downstairs.

"Where exactly were you last night?" Stan asked.

"Well, first I went to a bar and met this girl who's apparently an alien hunter, then I got drunk and drove by the CIA. Then they saw me and I ran away," Roger said.

"Why would you do that?" Stan asked.

"Relax, I got away, it's not a big deal." Roger said.

"It's a huge deal!" Stan exclaimed, "the CIA hired an alien hunter and now she's after you!"

"She? ...did she have tattoos and go by Ally?" Roger asked.

"Yes." Stan said, "The girl you met at the bar?" Roger nodded. "Roger, when Bullock gave her nude pictures of you, she seemed to recognize you."

"I told you we met at the bar, but I was wearing a disguise. I don't see how she could have seen through it, she didn't even seem to notice that I wasn't human which is strange since she's a professional alien hunter. Then again, she was a little tipsy." Roger said.

"She said she had been tracking you down for awhile, but I think she may have been lying. Roger, do you know her from somewhere else?" Stan asked.

"She did seem familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." Roger said.

"Well, you'll have a lot of time to think about it. You're not leaving this house until this blows over." Stan said.

"I can't go out even in disguises?" Roger asked.

"No, it's too dangerous,"

"But I need to see Ally again!" Roger said, "I could probably just figure out a way to ask her if she knows me,"

"That's out of the question." Stan said, "You'll be putting yourself, and more importantly, this entire family in jeopardy." He then walked out of the room as if to end the discussion.

Roger wasn't going to let that be the end of it. He was determined to see Ally again. He looked up, Steve was crying at the episode of Criminal Minds. Klaus was watching attentively.

"Are you crying?" Roger asked.

"I'm sick and my eyes are running!" Steve retorted.


End file.
